It's too difficult

Sometimes, it's really difficult to be happy. Everyone keeps throwing these awful words and things at you. People say I'm a whore. People say I'm ugly and fat. At first, it bothered me. All my friends told me not to listen. You don't deserve it. For a while, I thought they were right. Now though, is it true? Do I deserve it? Maybe I do. Maybe this is how it is suppose to be. They say these mean things and I laugh and say whatever but really, I'm thinking about how true it could be sometimes. I sit and think. Some days I have to strain to fake a smile. But, for what? Why does it matter? Who cares if I smile? No guys think I'm worth it. Most girls think I'm a total creep weirdo. Maybe being this will make them stop. Maybe. I just want one guy. One person I can always count on to be there and to care no matter what. Who trusts what I say and knows what I'm thinking. I've screwed up alot of my life. Guys, freedom, love, trust. Lately, I've been thinking; is there any reward for earning trust back? My parents will never trust me again. I'm pretty sure they hate me. They never wanna do things I wanna do. I have to do everything they wanna do. Go places they wanna go. But, if I wanna go to see a thriller/adventure movie with my mom and best friend, suddenly, I'm a felon who has no rights. Why? Do they just really think EVERY SINGLE THING I WANNA DO AND EVERY SINGLE THING I LIKE IS JUST AWFUL?! I'm sick of it. I can't take much more. I wanna be happy but, all I know is sad. Dreary, cold, pain and tears. Just stop. Stop acting like you care. Especially you. You know who you are. A little 15 year old boy. A child. An anarchist/ communist. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?! The mixture of total government control and the complete and utter loss of government. You don't know who you are. You're in this stage were you think you don't need any help. Maybe you don't. But, what if you do? I could be there. I blew it though. As much as I care about you and always will, being with you is just not gonna work like this. And you. Yes, you. Another 15 year old tornado of confusion. I loved you. I still do. Our song rings through my ears like the non-stop painful words of a bully. Seeing you every day and having to pretend I don't wanna cry when you look into my eyes is true pain. You tease me and taunt me. I hate it. Why do you do it? Do I really care why? Ofcourse I do. I messed up my life. Sometimes when I think about my future life, all I see is black. I can't see dieing in any way other than intentionally now a days. I don't know why. It makes me think. Why? Who? Where? How? When? Why would you feel so bad you would wanna die? I've felt like that before. Alot. Who caused your decision that it was right? I know a few who could have contributed. Where would you do it? Your house? Far away? How would you do this? Gun? Rope? Pills? Drown? Hypothermia? Jump? When do you decide it's right and it's best? Is it when your crying over one person or when you've been sad for days now? If people tried to stop you, would you stop or assume it's best? I remember when a certain friend went through that stage. Cold winters. I cried to much because I couldn't lose you. You would talk to me while "testing the waters" as they would say. Almost naked in a snow storm. On the edge of a bridge. Do you remember it? Do you even care? Are you grateful I was there to aid in your decision to stay alive? Probably not. You probably think I made it worse. It's your fault I'm so sad but, I don't blame you. I blame me. I found out about your inner soul and wanted a ride. How foolish I was....am. Do you remember holding me in your arms while I cried because I was so unhappy? You would put your hand on my head, pull me closer, and whisper "it's okay Chloe, I love you and I can make it okay." Our tree is still there. I can't go there anymore. It hurts too much. Do you remember that bench? The one where you made me show you my pain? That was the closest yet worst thing I've ever felt to you. I go there when I'm sad and just cry. I wish my parents would recognize I want help. I'm broken and you tried to fix me. I'm sorry. I'm not good for you or him or her or anyone else. Nobody deserves to deal with me. Nobody deserves to feel what I feel, accept me. I believe I deserve it. If I didn't, shouldn't it be gone by now? Almost 2 years of this. It's permanent. I can't imagine my life without pain and sadness all the time. It doesn't seem right. So, since my parents don't want a messed up child who has to go to a therapist, you can be my therapist. You don't have to care and you don't even have to tell anyone else about it. Just read it and realize how much pain some people feel. Realize that even though you think it's funny, it hurt. It hurts more than you know. Next time you try to hurt me, remember I can't be hurt to much more before I break.

Perfect

I never guessed you would say it. I never knew you could love me. I always thought you were forever over me. Forever gone, lost, forgotten. But, you' re here, I'm here, we're here. Together. Saying these words I thought were forbidden. I'm smiling. You're expressing. I'm loving. You're remembering. Remembering me. Remembering us. Recalling my smile, my laugh, my love, and my care. I asked you for something I thought I knew I would never hear. You replied immediately said it. I cried. I was stunned. I was happy. Truly happy. Now that I know you feel this way. That we are at least a tinny tiny bit possible. You are mine. Mine to love. And I will forever hold you close. Forever remember my first love. You only get one TRUE love. I hope this is it. Because you're perfect.

You and Them

If you love someone more than yourself, should you let them go if they don't love you back? But, If you let them go....there gone. That amazing feeling you get when you are with them. Like falling, like flying, like living, like dieing. It's all gone. they love someone else though. So, what to do? Do I let them go? Forget them. Forget how much love you gave them. Forget how amazingly perfect they make you feel. You have never felt this much love before. If hurts to remember the day you hurt them. The day you wanted to end it all. The day you screwed up your life. WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT IN THE RIGHT MIND MADE YOU FEEL, THINK, DO THAT? You need to let go of them though. You know you do. But, you can't. You probably never ever will. What is the use caring anymore? What is the use loving anymore? What is the use being there anymore? If all it does is hurt....then why? Because, you made a promise to always be there.   You don't break promises do you? No more of that; you have lied too much already. You're done being a liar. You're done being a whore. You're done being a failure. That's probably why they won't come back. Why they dispise you somewhere on the inside. Why they left in the first place. So, goodbye love. Goodbye hope. Goodbye them. Goodbye you....

?

................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................i love you

What I wish I could say.

I wish I could say "Why won't you give him a chance?"
No, that's a rhetorical question.
I know why you don't like him.
The way he dresses...the way he seems to be.
Didn't we learn not to judge a book by it's cover in like elementary school?
What it seems isn't always it is.
Do you realize this?
If I said I didn't like this new person at school because he looked weird you would tell me not to judge a book by its cover.
You're being contradicting your own self by saying that!
I don't get what you want me to say?
"Oh, ok I will obey every whim you desire parental control."
No, don't even think that will happen.
I wish you would understand he is important to me.
Although, if you understood pigs would fly.
That's when I think you will understand me.

A break up is....difficult.
Love is difficult.
Is there even a definition for love?
A REAL definition?
Dictionary.com says this:
1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

Now that is a ......good definition.

But, have you realized how difficult it is to describe it......love?

Especially in the moment.

You usually spat out something about a tingly sensation.

Sometimes, it's an adrenaline rush.

Maybe it's a want or an unsatisfying desire that causes you not to eat for days and cry every night for no reason.

No matter what you feel it is or an be it can suck.....and be perfect.

But, is it worth the risk to be hurt beyond repair?

Is it worth the risk you might screw up someones life or have your life ripped in half?

In my opinion.....yes.

It's worth every second.

It's worth every tear and every whimper.

It's worth every broken heart and broken soul.

Because, in the end we are stronger than ever.

In the end, when you think you can't get any lower, you are slowly rising.

Once you get to the top you're higher than before and the next time you're even higher than that.

Then, when you find the person you will be with forever you know what not to do.

You know how to deal with difficult situations.

You know how to feel and think in their perspective and you know how to love.

This may take three, four, heck it could take SEVENTY SIX TIMES.

But, when the moment comes, and you know this is the one, you will be so strong and so proud that you won't let anything bring you down.

Then, if something does get you down, you will get back up even faster.

That's the beauty of love.

So, embrace love.

Embrace him.

Embrace her.

Embrace everyone!

Because, the more you love the stronger you will be.

The stronger you are the more you will be loved.

Thus completes the cycle.

I love you; I become strong; you love me; you become strong.

Then, together, we can be strong and proud and loved and embraced and in nirvana.

If we got everyone to love and we got everyone strong and sympathetic we could live in a world of peace.

Together we can love each other.

 

Too Many Questions (BRAIN EXPLOSION)

Where are we?
I listen to Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap.
Where are we?
It is a logical question.....right?
This should be quite easy to answer.
I am in my house, sitting in a chair, writing hastely.
Or
I am a highschool student, a musician, a lover, a fighter, a hater, a friend, an enemy, a student, and a teacher.
But that's too vague.
Can anyone answer this?
Where are we?!
I will go screaming through the streets to see if anyone knows.
Sitting here, wanting coffee, thinking WAY to deep.
Then, suddenly BAM!
I'm running through the streets screaming.
Maybe my brain will explode....
Mabye someone will come knocking on my door saying "I am Jesus. What do you want to know?"
Mabye I could type it into google and the answer will pop up.
Mabye the phone will ring and instead of saying "Hello?" I'll say "WHERE ARE WE?"
Then, some solicitor will say "Well, you're not in beautiful Hawaii! A high class, first class, fancy-shmancy plane is waiting for you!"
I will hang up and wonder "What's wrong with me?"
There's another question.
What's wrong with me?
Who knows...
Who cares...
MORE QUESTIONS.
I belive my brain has exploded, finally.
So, befor everything else explodes I'll go.
Besides, I NEED COFFEE.
If you know any answers please don't hesitate to call me at 1(800)BRAIN-EXPLOSION-BECAUSE-I-NEED-COFFEE.
Thanks for your ears....you'll need them.
I hope your brain doesn't explode.