It's too difficult

Sometimes, it's really difficult to be happy. Everyone keeps throwing these awful words and things at you. People say I'm a whore. People say I'm ugly and fat. At first, it bothered me. All my friends told me not to listen. You don't deserve it. For a while, I thought they were right. Now though, is it true? Do I deserve it? Maybe I do. Maybe this is how it is suppose to be. They say these mean things and I laugh and say whatever but really, I'm thinking about how true it could be sometimes. I sit and think. Some days I have to strain to fake a smile. But, for what? Why does it matter? Who cares if I smile? No guys think I'm worth it. Most girls think I'm a total creep weirdo. Maybe being this will make them stop. Maybe. I just want one guy. One person I can always count on to be there and to care no matter what. Who trusts what I say and knows what I'm thinking. I've screwed up alot of my life. Guys, freedom, love, trust. Lately, I've been thinking; is there any reward for earning trust back? My parents will never trust me again. I'm pretty sure they hate me. They never wanna do things I wanna do. I have to do everything they wanna do. Go places they wanna go. But, if I wanna go to see a thriller/adventure movie with my mom and best friend, suddenly, I'm a felon who has no rights. Why? Do they just really think EVERY SINGLE THING I WANNA DO AND EVERY SINGLE THING I LIKE IS JUST AWFUL?! I'm sick of it. I can't take much more. I wanna be happy but, all I know is sad. Dreary, cold, pain and tears. Just stop. Stop acting like you care. Especially you. You know who you are. A little 15 year old boy. A child. An anarchist/ communist. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?! The mixture of total government control and the complete and utter loss of government. You don't know who you are. You're in this stage were you think you don't need any help. Maybe you don't. But, what if you do? I could be there. I blew it though. As much as I care about you and always will, being with you is just not gonna work like this. And you. Yes, you. Another 15 year old tornado of confusion. I loved you. I still do. Our song rings through my ears like the non-stop painful words of a bully. Seeing you every day and having to pretend I don't wanna cry when you look into my eyes is true pain. You tease me and taunt me. I hate it. Why do you do it? Do I really care why? Ofcourse I do. I messed up my life. Sometimes when I think about my future life, all I see is black. I can't see dieing in any way other than intentionally now a days. I don't know why. It makes me think. Why? Who? Where? How? When? Why would you feel so bad you would wanna die? I've felt like that before. Alot. Who caused your decision that it was right? I know a few who could have contributed. Where would you do it? Your house? Far away? How would you do this? Gun? Rope? Pills? Drown? Hypothermia? Jump? When do you decide it's right and it's best? Is it when your crying over one person or when you've been sad for days now? If people tried to stop you, would you stop or assume it's best? I remember when a certain friend went through that stage. Cold winters. I cried to much because I couldn't lose you. You would talk to me while "testing the waters" as they would say. Almost naked in a snow storm. On the edge of a bridge. Do you remember it? Do you even care? Are you grateful I was there to aid in your decision to stay alive? Probably not. You probably think I made it worse. It's your fault I'm so sad but, I don't blame you. I blame me. I found out about your inner soul and wanted a ride. How foolish I was....am. Do you remember holding me in your arms while I cried because I was so unhappy? You would put your hand on my head, pull me closer, and whisper "it's okay Chloe, I love you and I can make it okay." Our tree is still there. I can't go there anymore. It hurts too much. Do you remember that bench? The one where you made me show you my pain? That was the closest yet worst thing I've ever felt to you. I go there when I'm sad and just cry. I wish my parents would recognize I want help. I'm broken and you tried to fix me. I'm sorry. I'm not good for you or him or her or anyone else. Nobody deserves to deal with me. Nobody deserves to feel what I feel, accept me. I believe I deserve it. If I didn't, shouldn't it be gone by now? Almost 2 years of this. It's permanent. I can't imagine my life without pain and sadness all the time. It doesn't seem right. So, since my parents don't want a messed up child who has to go to a therapist, you can be my therapist. You don't have to care and you don't even have to tell anyone else about it. Just read it and realize how much pain some people feel. Realize that even though you think it's funny, it hurt. It hurts more than you know. Next time you try to hurt me, remember I can't be hurt to much more before I break.